state of the union

Note: After writing this post I was so ashamed that I nearly didn't post it. But this is about being honest and open, with you sure, but especially with myself.

Let's talk dollars and cents. Because at least part of living sustainably is living without debt month to month, more often than not. I have no problem with the concept of financing certain things. However, just because I don't mind it in theory doesn't mean it isn't hurting my family's bottom line in a very real way. How deep is our rabbit hole?
Six figures. I knew it might be that bad, but really I was trying not to think about it. That is our mortgage, car payment, my student loans and and just over 16K of revolving (ie. credit card) debt. That is the number that makes me want to give up my things. Because wasn't it my things that got me in this mess? Well partly.
That is the other shoe. That is my BMI. It represents wasteful, unhealthy, expensive food. Food that I've been eating my whole life, but particularly in my 20s. That is where the money control is truly lost every month and the result is the inability to do anything about it the more obese I become. Fixing obesity is a lifestyle change. I have fairly successfully avoided fad diets. But I've tried to eat better and to control my portions, it hasn't ever been enough. My environment and the bad habits that go with it defeat me every time.
That is how old I was when my mother committed suicide. I tell you this not to elicit any kind of sympathy and definitely not to make excuses. Some of how I got here was seated in grief, which led to bad habits and the inability to break them was my hereditary, untreated depression. When my daughter was born I started getting treatment for the depression and it literally has transformed me. I am no longer paralyzed, I have more energy, more can do attitude.
The number of jobs in my household. Right out of college I had my dream job in a research lab, and then the economy tanked and I was laid off. We assessed that the economic recovery was going to be slow and we weren't getting younger, so we started our family. We had always hoped to have one of us be a stay at home parent and although tight, we could get by on his salary.

Then, a year or so ago, David's company got new management. Then his immediate bosses started leaving, until he was just about the last person on staff with more seniority than the management. Well the writing was on the wall, and it hit mid-May. Fired. Fired with recommendations from both his old boss and from his new one who thought upper management was giving him a raw deal.

Right now we are both looking for work, so far we have interviews but no offers. We devote Monday to the job hunt and spend the rest with our children and family, making the most of a bad situation and trying not to worry. He was paid enough in his job that the unemployment is more than he would be paid as a day laborer so until it runs out we are better off just hunting for work.

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